JOKES

[radstockjeff]

A ninety -year-old man checked into a posh hotel to celebrate his birthday.

As a surprise a few of his friends sent a call girl to his room.

When the man opened the door he saw before him a beautiful young woman.

She said "I've brought you a present"

The old man replied "What is it?"

She said "I am yours for super sex"

He replied "I am ninety years old, I'll have the soup"

[Tresagreen]

My son heard this on Aussie radio, bit long and involved so this is the short version. An artist had painted a picture of three naked black men. One of whom had a pink 'appendage' rather than black like the other two. Much deliberation had gone on as to why this was so. Eventually the artist himself explained that the men were not in fact black, but Scottish coal miners and one of them had 'gone home for lunch' !!!!!!

[radstockjeff]

Very droll!

[radstockjeff]

A man goes into a Department store and says to the assistant
"Excuse me, but do you sell potato clocks?"
The assistant looks at him and says " What? We sell cuckoo clocks,carriage clocks, alarm clocks , grandfather clocks and others too...what on earth is a potato clock?"
The man relpies, "I've no idea, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow morning and the wife said ...............

' You'd better get a potato clock!

[Tresagreen]

Aaaaargh. Took a while to get that one

[radstockjeff]

"I bought a new hearing aid. It's fantastic."

"Really? What kind is it?"

" Quarter past 10!"

[radstockjeff]

An elderly married couple was sat at either end of their sofa watching television.

The husband says "I wonder what happened to our sexual relations?"

His wife relplied "I don't know dear. I don't think we even had a Christmas card from them this year!"

[radstockjeff]

People and Computers

Tech Support: Good day, how may I help you?
Male customer: Hello, I can't print.
T S Would you click on "start" for me.
M C "Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me, I'm not Bill Gates!"

****************************************************************************************
Tech Support: Click on the 'My computer' icon, on the left of the screen.
Customer : Your left or my left?

**************************************************************************************
Customer: " Hi , good afternoon,this is Martha,I can't print. Every time I try it says "Can't find printer". I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it!"

[radstockjeff]

The Vicar decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said "Today, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to you mind."

So he shouted "CROSS".Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross"

He shouted "GRACE"...The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace!"

He shouted "POWER" and the congregation sang "There is Power in the blood"

Finally the vicar shouted "SEX".

The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look at each other afraid to say anything.

Then, all of a sudden, from way back in the church, a little 88 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing......................"MEMORIES!"

[radstockjeff]

I like the girls who do
I like the girls who don't
I hate the the girl who say she will
And then she says she won't
But the girl I like the best of all
And I think you'll say I'm right
Is the one who says she never has
But looks as though she...............
.....'Ere listen.............
(Max Miller)

[rospaul]

…… Max Miller, what a talent, will we ever see his like again ? …….

[radstockjeff]

A couple were driving along a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a farmyard, with pigs and mules in it, the husband sarcastically asked.....
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yes" replied the wife ..............
"In-laws!"

[Tresagreen]

[radstockjeff]

A man was visiting his farmer friend and as he was walking through the farmyard he came upon several ducks. one of the ducks was quite a viscious creature and started attacking the man with his beak.
"Hey" he said to his farmer friend "You should get a muzzle for this bird, he's just tried to bite me"
"Well" said the farmer "I've tried everywhere in town.....................

but I can't get anything to fit the bill"

[Tresagreen]

Not been any jokes for a while on here, so this one should get you groaning. Paddy was on who wants to be a millionaire and needed one more answer for the million. The question was, which of these birds does


not build a nest. Blackbird, thrush, robin or cuckoo? I'm not sure says Paddy, can I ring a friend? So he rings Murphy and asks him the question. Oh that'll be the cuckoo says Murphy, absolutely positive. Paddy gives the answer, which is correct and wins the million. A week later, he goes to see Murphy and gives him £10,000 for his help. Now tell me says Paddy, how did ye know it was the cuckoo? Easy says Murphy, everyone knows........ Cuckoos live in clocks.