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Re: JOKES

PostPosted: 15 Feb 2019, 08:39
by radstockjeff
A ninety -year-old man checked into a posh hotel to celebrate his birthday.

As a surprise a few of his friends sent a call girl to his room.

When the man opened the door he saw before him a beautiful young woman.

She said "I've brought you a present"

The old man replied "What is it?"

She said "I am yours for super sex"

He replied "I am ninety years old, I'll have the soup"

Re: JOKES

PostPosted: 27 Feb 2019, 14:03
by Tresagreen
My son heard this on Aussie radio, bit long and involved so this is the short version. An artist had painted a picture of three naked black men. One of whom had a pink 'appendage' rather than black like the other two. Much deliberation had gone on as to why this was so. Eventually the artist himself explained that the men were not in fact black, but Scottish coal miners and one of them had 'gone home for lunch' !!!!!!

Re: JOKES

PostPosted: 27 Feb 2019, 16:44
by radstockjeff
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Very droll!

Re: JOKES

PostPosted: 11 Mar 2019, 08:54
by radstockjeff
A man goes into a Department store and says to the assistant
"Excuse me, but do you sell potato clocks?"
The assistant looks at him and says " What? We sell cuckoo clocks,carriage clocks, alarm clocks , grandfather clocks and others too...what on earth is a potato clock?"
The man relpies, "I've no idea, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow morning and the wife said ...............

' You'd better get a potato clock!

Re: JOKES

PostPosted: 11 Mar 2019, 09:26
by Tresagreen
Aaaaargh. Took a while to get that one :lol: :lol:

Re: JOKES

PostPosted: 11 Mar 2019, 10:57
by radstockjeff
"I bought a new hearing aid. It's fantastic."

"Really? What kind is it?"

" Quarter past 10!"

Re: JOKES

PostPosted: 17 Mar 2019, 15:40
by radstockjeff
An elderly married couple was sat at either end of their sofa watching television.

The husband says "I wonder what happened to our sexual relations?"

His wife relplied "I don't know dear. I don't think we even had a Christmas card from them this year!"

Re: JOKES

PostPosted: 27 Mar 2019, 17:35
by radstockjeff
People and Computers

Tech Support: Good day, how may I help you?
Male customer: Hello, I can't print.
T S Would you click on "start" for me.
M C "Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me, I'm not Bill Gates!"

****************************************************************************************
Tech Support: Click on the 'My computer' icon, on the left of the screen.
Customer : Your left or my left?

**************************************************************************************
Customer: " Hi , good afternoon,this is Martha,I can't print. Every time I try it says "Can't find printer". I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it!"

Re: JOKES

PostPosted: 11 Apr 2019, 17:56
by radstockjeff
The Vicar decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said "Today, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to you mind."

So he shouted "CROSS".Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross"

He shouted "GRACE"...The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace!"

He shouted "POWER" and the congregation sang "There is Power in the blood"

Finally the vicar shouted "SEX".

The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look at each other afraid to say anything.

Then, all of a sudden, from way back in the church, a little 88 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing......................"MEMORIES!"

Re: JOKES

PostPosted: 25 May 2019, 20:03
by radstockjeff
I like the girls who do
I like the girls who don't
I hate the the girl who say she will
And then she says she won't
But the girl I like the best of all
And I think you'll say I'm right
Is the one who says she never has
But looks as though she...............
.....'Ere listen.............
(Max Miller)

Re: JOKES

PostPosted: 25 May 2019, 20:19
by rospaul
:lol: …… Max Miller, what a talent, will we ever see his like again ? ……. :oops:

Re: JOKES

PostPosted: 24 Jul 2019, 19:34
by radstockjeff
A couple were driving along a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a farmyard, with pigs and mules in it, the husband sarcastically asked.....
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yes" replied the wife ..............
"In-laws!"

Re: JOKES

PostPosted: 24 Jul 2019, 20:09
by Tresagreen
:lol: :smt038

Re: JOKES

PostPosted: 06 Aug 2019, 22:06
by radstockjeff
A man was visiting his farmer friend and as he was walking through the farmyard he came upon several ducks. one of the ducks was quite a viscious creature and started attacking the man with his beak.
"Hey" he said to his farmer friend "You should get a muzzle for this bird, he's just tried to bite me"
"Well" said the farmer "I've tried everywhere in town.....................

but I can't get anything to fit the bill"