JOKES

Jokes, Fun, The Weather, Say Hello, Whatever,, Feel free to post on any subject under the moderated sun.

Re: JOKES

Postby delbert » 23 Dec 2011, 12:42

Just got home and found all the doors and windows open and everything gone !!!! :shock:
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What kind of sicko does that to someones advent calender
"go placidly amid the noise and haste"
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Christmas Shopping

Postby prebulahayes » 23 Dec 2011, 18:27

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon.

Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you?"

Husband: "Darling, you remember that Jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"

Wife, with a smile, blushing: "Yes I remember that, my love."

Husband: "Well, I'm in the Pub next to that shop."
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Re: CAR FOR SALE

Postby Dry_Sweeper » 25 Dec 2011, 01:20

apollonine wrote::steering This cracked me up completely, I'm still laughing today Thanks Rospaul for bringing it to our attention, I think it deserves the full version to be typed before it disappears into the mists of time. It is so "REAL" :lol: FOR SALE TASTELESS CAR, NO TAX-WOULD SUIT CHAV
Attention Teenage Drug Dealers/Low Life and Oxygen Thieves
If you think you've saved enough benefit from your 4 children before you're 20, this could be the answer to your prayers. A proper bastardised, chaved up skippy mobile if ever there was one. Enhance your street cred at the local drive thru burger joint or council estate shop front no end with this utterly tacky converted little Renault Clio. Not your Grans idea of a lift to town, granted, but a fantastic opportunity to increase 3 fold your class A drug selling ability. This is the car you need boys. The punters will flock to the window for your home grown skunk and other illegal substances. You just ain't gonna look out of place in this little beauty! Now I've made sure the tax ran out last November, so there is a big pat on your scrawny little backs already. Dig out your favourite unwashed "Umbro" hoodie and come cast your shifty little eyes on this. Ideal for the "Street Pharmacist" and other suitably attired tw*ts.
You're gonna need a baseball cap with this beauty, ideally one that comes with no fitting instructions. Heaven forbid you should put it on the right way. What better way to compliment your stolen Nike Air Max trainers than to be seen dangling a foot out of this pocket rocket. Worried about the Babylon spotting ya, no need. Car comes fully equipped with proper blacked out gangster glass on the side windows. Hell, you could even fill the back up with your ugly chav kids and no one'd see em'. Doesn't get much better boys. Ah, but it does. It does. to show your complete and utter lack of taste and knowledge of the motor car you'll also find the ridiculous rock hard lowered suspension to your taste as well. Why not get a step closer to Grans inheritance by offering her a lift in ya new "wheels" then taking her down the Post Office flat out over the speed bumps round your estate and hopefully knocking the spine out of her, might need 2 laps but god damn them single teenage mums smoking Marlborough Lights outside the chippy will be impressed fella's. You know that they like a ride like this. Turn up the Alpine Head Unit, stick in your favourite and incomprehensible "Drum and Bass" C.D. and the throbbing out the 6x9 parcel shelf will have them pregnant in no time.
To complete the proper drug dealer look, a tasteless stripe has been fitted from front to rear. Finished in "Air Max" white it really doesn't complement the car in any shape or form.Rather like you and your Brethren spitting on the floor constantly. Completely needless but you think it makes a statement about you. You'll also enjoy the totally pointless but ridiculously noisy after market air filter. About as helpful as a fart in an astronaut suit, but hell, you didn't get where you are today by being helpful, did you? I'm quite sad to see the thing go really. There is nothing more pleasurable to me at 41 than to drive round in this bit of beep and look a complete pri*k. I'd much rather hand the opportunity to you work shy crack head council tenants any day. This little set of wheels is gonna let the other hoodies know you've made it. Cocaine and skunk selling is never gonna be easier for the lucky buyer of this car. I might have a deal on a couple of gram's of smack or coke, but ideally I'd need to get a serious drug habit beforehand. Perhaps someone could help? You can pay in cash or wraps, I'm easy really. Bring along your Mums credit card or one that your mate has cloned down
the petrol station. If it is going to be hard cash, please ensure it is discretely hidden in a used Tesco carrier bag, and you have folded one £20 note around 4 others. Makes counting so much easier. For any female buyer I'm offering a free tattoo of something utterly meaningless to go in the middle of your lower back. If you haven't already got your "Tramp Stamp" that is. If you're an under age drink driver, or under age driver for that matter, this little beauty really isn't going to attract the attention of the local constabulary at all. You'll pass any patrol car effortlessly. Make sure there is at least 6 of you in the car though, splif in hand. If you're driving, have another swig from your 2 litre plastic "Lidl" brand cider as you nonchalantly flip the bird to the passing police patrol. Head off for the nearest estate for some tyre screeching fun. They ain't never gonna take you alive in this. The car does like a good rev in the morning at any unsocial hour. Neighbours will love it and feel proud to live in the same road. Don't forget to rev the pants off of it at all junctions and roundabouts as well. This really will increase the length of your manhood no end. Your virginity is gonna be a thing of the past when the babes see you in this "Fan*y Magnet". You can almost bet your
last eighth of puff you're gonna get laid. Hell, might even get a few sexually transmitted diseases as well. You're gonna get a proper bird with this motor. For the disqualified driver I'll even offer to recover it from outside the local magistrates or police station. What better way to impress the local Judicial system in one final act of defiance before collecting your ASBO? Don't let the frivolous matter of actually holding a current, valid drivers licence and insurance put you off this bargain. A visit to your local crack house should procure some documentation from as little as fifty quid.. Nuff said, innit.


Quality lol
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Re: JOKES

Postby EWW » 29 Feb 2012, 20:15

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are over sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over sensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch each day in the Men's Grill at the Golf Club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points..

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods... She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the front lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too. .

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol. I'm not saying that showing this much

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.


EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder... The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club...
I do not want thanks for any research I am able to help out with. I just love doing it.
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Re: JOKES

Postby greenpen » 03 Mar 2012, 10:08

Mrs Jones next door committed suicide last week by drinking a pint of nail varnish. The coroner said it was a terrible end, but a lovely finish.
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Re: Christmas Shopping

Postby greenpen » 07 Mar 2012, 18:13

prebulahayes wrote:A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon.

Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you?"

Husband: "Darling, you remember that Jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"

Wife, with a smile, blushing: "Yes I remember that, my love."

Husband: "Well, I'm in the Pub next to that shop."


Remins me of that brillianrt Mr Bean sketch where his girlfriend points to the engagement ring ad in the jeweller's window. Then he presents her with the ad, all wrapped up. :shock:
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JOKE ?

Postby trevanne » 03 May 2012, 19:56

The man who took easyjet to court for putting his luggage on the wrong aircraft has lost his case.
It's nice to be important, but more important to be nice.
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Re: JOKES

Postby greenpen » 03 May 2012, 20:19

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the A149. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MP’s during a sitting of parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire.

We are going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
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Re: JOKES

Postby EWW » 14 May 2015, 19:23

A man on his Harley was riding along California Highway 1 when suddenly
the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said,
'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges
for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the
Pacific, and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for
me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think
of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that
I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside,
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what
she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when
I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

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God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
I do not want thanks for any research I am able to help out with. I just love doing it.
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Re: JOKES

Postby Tresagreen » 23 Apr 2018, 16:42

Haven't seen any jokes posted for a while, so thought I would share this one with you. Told to me at a funeral this afternoon! So this chap has inherited a farm from his dad, been in the family for generations . Has a herd of prizewinning cows. One cold morning he looks out of the window and sees all his cows lying on their backs in the field, legs sticking up in the air and frozen solid. " oh my god" he says to his wife, " we must do something quick, if we lose the cows and the farm, my dad will turn in his grave" " Don't worry" says the wife, " I know someone who can help" and gets on the phone. Twenty minutes later, the farmer looks out again and sees a little old lady running up and down the field, and all the cows are now on their feet again. " This is amazing" says the farmer, " all the cows are back to normal, but who the devil is that little old lady?" "Oh her" says the wife. " that's Thora Herd"!!!!!
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Re: JOKES

Postby radstockjeff » 23 Apr 2018, 17:23

The Police stopped me when I was out in my car the other day. No problem they said, just a spot check. I admitted to having two pimples and a boil.
There's nothing wrong with being mediocre.........as long as you're good at it!
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Re: JOKES

Postby Tresagreen » 23 Apr 2018, 17:35

:lol: :smt023
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Re: JOKES

Postby EWW » 23 Apr 2018, 19:58

Did not know you are a teenager jeff. Dont worry they will go, and you will find a girlfriend :-D
I do not want thanks for any research I am able to help out with. I just love doing it.
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Re: JOKES

Postby radstockjeff » 24 Apr 2018, 17:29

Mary's mother-in-law was always dropping by her house unexpectedly and on one particular afternoon she did as she always did and knocked on her daughter-in-law's door.

But when the door opened, to her amazement, Mary was stark naked.

"What on earth are you up to?" she asked

"What do you think? I'm waiting for your gorgeous son to come home from the office"

"But you're stark naked!"

"This is my love dress" said Mary proudly

"But it's not a dress,you're naked"

"Your son loves me wearing this dress. In fact,it's his favourite dress in my whole wardrobe. It makes him so happy when I wear it. But you're going to have to go now, he'll be home soon and won't appreciate it much if you're here"

By this time Mary'smother-in-law had heard quite enough, so she left; but all the way home she thought about what Mary had said and how happy the love dress had made her son, so when she got back home she took a bath and then waited, naked, by the front door.

When her husband got home he walked into the hallway, only to see his wife standing naked by the hatstand.

"What on earth are you doing?" he asked

"I'm wearing my love dress" she replied, as sexily as she was able.

"Needs ironing!" he growled.
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Re: JOKES

Postby Tresagreen » 24 Apr 2018, 18:48

:lol: :lol: :lol: love it!! T
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