JOKES

Jokes, Fun, The Weather, Say Hello, Whatever,, Feel free to post on any subject under the moderated sun.

Re: JOKE

Postby Uncled8249 » 04 Feb 2011, 17:11

Thanks... :D
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Re: suggestions

Postby Platschu » 07 Feb 2011, 02:43

Somebody should open a thread for car boots in the buy/sell section, where we could advertise these events in the near. :wink:
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Re: JOKES

Postby EWW » 07 Feb 2011, 10:05

Just place them in the NOTICEBOARD section Platschu :)
I do not want thanks for any research I am able to help out with. I just love doing it.
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"Frosty Morning"

Postby apollonine » 08 Feb 2011, 14:21

How cold was it this morning? I had to use my B+Q Discount card to scrape the ice off my windscreen! It didn't work though, I only got 10% off... :)
"Treat everyday as your last as one day you're gonna be right"
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Re: "Frosty Morning"

Postby delbert » 08 Feb 2011, 14:29

yea right :wink:
"go placidly amid the noise and haste"
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Re: "Frosty Morning"

Postby Star Lady » 08 Feb 2011, 15:31

That's cos they only apply on Wednesdays :wink:
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joke

Postby bill » 12 Feb 2011, 20:13

!

Bruno
PRICELESS!



A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book,
And noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father'.
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds',
And went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
"Maybe you should wear a condom….
or put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
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Re: joke

Postby Uncled8249 » 13 Feb 2011, 12:22

:lol:
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Re: JOKES

Postby apollonine » 16 Mar 2011, 13:13

"WATT A LAUGH!"
How many defence chiefs does it take to change a lightbulb?... Two.One to change it, the other to scrap a fleet of Nimrod aircraft to pay for it.....
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?...One. But he gets double time.....
How many civil servants does it take to change a lightbulb?...48-one to actually change it, 47 to do the paperwork.....
How many librarians does it take to change a lightbulb?...None. Overpaid council bosses have shut all the libraries.....
How many BBC employees does it take to change a lightbulb?...One. Which is lucky because the rest of the staff are on the sick.....
How many public sector workers does it take to change a lightbulb?...One.The designated light fixture renewals officer.....
How many council officers does it take to change a lightbulb?...27. One to change the bulb, the rest to translate a newsletter about changing the bulb into 26 different languages..... :lol:
"Treat everyday as your last as one day you're gonna be right"
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Re: JOKES

Postby trevanne » 16 Mar 2011, 23:32

:smt023
It's nice to be important, but more important to be nice.
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Re: JOKES

Postby rocker » 17 Apr 2011, 12:57

Hi, Im just letting you know Im in hospital, i've poisoned mysel. I ate what I thought was an onion but it was a Daffodil bulb, dont panic tho, I'll be out in the spring !
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Re: JOKES

Postby EWW » 23 May 2011, 20:12

While walking down the street one day a 'Member of Parliament' is
tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a
green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of
it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at
the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has
a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that
before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter
is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving
from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time
and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter
returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have
said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be
better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting
it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't
understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf
course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and
danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage
and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ..

Today you voted.'
I do not want thanks for any research I am able to help out with. I just love doing it.
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joke

Postby bill » 21 Jul 2011, 19:47

I answered the door to a Chinese lightbulb salesman and he said, "Sell you light? Sell you light?"

So I turned around and said, "It's for you, darling. He wants to look at the back of your legs"
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JOKE

Postby trevanne » 18 Dec 2011, 19:55

Image
It's nice to be important, but more important to be nice.
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Re: JOKES

Postby EWW » 21 Dec 2011, 21:26

Another year has passed
And we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems much colder.

There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
About 'Living in the Past'

We used to go to weddings,
Football games and lunches.
Now we go to funeral homes
And after-funeral brunches.
We used to have hangovers,
From parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
And wile the night away.

We used to go out dining,
And couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.

We used to often travel
To places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
From riding in the car.

We used to go to nightclubs
And drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
And watch the evening news.

That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
Before you're too darned old!
I do not want thanks for any research I am able to help out with. I just love doing it.
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