JOKES

[radstockjeff]

The Christmas Tree Angel
A topical tale.

One Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip.
However he ran into many difficulties.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves were not as efficient as the regular ones, and so Santa fell behind schedule.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that trhee were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and could not be found. When he tried to load the sleigh one of the timbers broke, spilling all the toys on the ground.

Very frustrated, Santa went back to the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard he found that the elves had drunk the cider and hidden his rum.

In his anger he dropped the cider pot, which broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
When he went to get the broom he found that mice had eaten all the straw off the brrom.
Just then the doorbell rang.

A very irritable Santa opened the door to find an Angel standing there holding a large Christmas Tree.

The Angel said very cheerfully-

"Merry Christmas Santa. I have a beautiful tree for you; where would you like me to put it?"

Thus began the tradition of the angel on the top of the Christmas Tree.

[Tresagreen]

[radstockjeff]

A dog goes into a Builders Merchant and asks for a job.
The owner says "We don't hire dogs;why don't you go to the Circus?"
"Don't be silly" says the dog "What would a Circus want with a Plumber?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man went to the doctor with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana up his rear end, and said
"Doctor, I'm feeling terrible!"
"I'm not surprised" said the doctor "You're not eating properly"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Proud to be British
Being British is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish Kebab on the way, to sit on Sedish furniture and watch American programmes on a Japanese TV.
And the most British thing of all?
Suspicion of anything foreign
-------------

Only in Britain do we leave expensive cars on the drive and lock lawnmowers and junk in the garage.

-----------------------------

[radstockjeff]

Irate gent: " How dare you break wind in front of my wife!"

Reply "Sorry old chap, I didn't know it was her turn"

[radstockjeff]

Exercise..............

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.

She's now 97 and we don't know where the hell she is!

[radstockjeff]

A man arrived home early one afternoon and as he came in the door the telephone rang, so he answered it.

"Who was that on the phone?" shouted his wife from the kitchen.

"It was a wrong number, darling" he replied, "some fellow from the Met Office. He wanted to know if the coast was clear"

[radstockjeff]

Definition of stress.

The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living $..t out of some ars...le who desperately needs it.

[Nuggets]

The world's oldest mans grave has been found in Ireland. His headstone was located and apparently he was 125, he was Miles from Dublin.
Nuggets.

[radstockjeff]

Public Notices
........................
Car Rental Brochutre Tokyo..............
"When passenger of foot heave in sight,tootle the horny. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigour"
.............................................................................................................................................................................................
Wiltshire Times
Dog for sale; will eat anything, fond of children.
.............................................................................................................................................................................................

[radstockjeff]

Three old grannies were sitting on a park bench talking among themselves when a flasher comes by.

The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

The first old granny had a stroke.... aaah!

The second old granny had a stroke......aaah!

But the third old granny...she had arthritis and couldn't reach that far.

[Tresagreen]

Received these from a friend, hope it's ok to put them on here, might give you a chuckle.

[radstockjeff]

[Nuggets]

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
You hold it under water..... till it's Bill Withers!!!
Nuggets

[Tresagreen]

Three boys are hanging around a farm, trying to get a glimpse of the farmers daughter showering. The farmer sees them and grabs his shotgun. They run and hide in the barn, each one in a sack. The farmer arrives in the barn and kicks the first sack,'Meow' comes the sound,"blasted cat" says the farmer. He kicks the second sack, 'Woof' comes the sound, "flaming dog" says the farmer. He kicks the third sack, the sack says 'potatoes'............................................... There's a mother with three daughter potatoes. Each daughter has just become engaged and rushes home to tell the good news.The first girl says " Mum you won't believe it, I've just got engaged to a Maris Piper". "That's a fine potato, well done" says the mother. The second daughter runs in "Mother, Mother, I've just got engaged to a King Edward" " That's wonderful news, another splendid potato " says the mother. Then the third daughter comes in, "Mother I have great news, I've just got engaged to John Motson" "Oh dear" says mum, " you can't marry him, he's just a common tater".

[radstockjeff]

The modern day shepherd

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when, suddenly,a brand new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Bronni suit,Gucci shoes, Ray Ban glasses and a YSL tie , leaned out of the window and asked the shepherd,

"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered,

"Sure!"

The yuppie parked his car,whipped out his IBM Thinkpadand connected it to a cellphone.
He then surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS navigation system, scanned the area and entered the results in a Excel spreadsheet with complex formulae.

He sent an e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few moments received a response. Finally he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturised printer and turns to the shepherd and says

"You have exactly 1586 sheep"

"That is correct" says the shepherd "Take one of the sheep"

He watches as the man selects one of the animals and bundles it in to the back of his car..
Then the shepherd says,

"If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"

"OK, why not?", answered the young man.

"Clearly you are a consultant" said the shepherd.

"That's correct" says the yuppie, "but how did you know that?"

"No guessing required" answered the shepherd, "you turned up here although nobody called you. You want to be paid for telling me something I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know sod all about my business.

Now give me back my dog"