JOKES

[radstockjeff]

A confused and disorientated man walks into a Catholic Church, sits down in the confessional box and says nothing.

The bewildered Priest coughs to attract his attention,but still the man says nothing.

The Priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attemopt to get the man to speak.

Finally the man replies

"No use knocking mate, there's no paper in this one either!"

[Tresagreen]

Seems we've re-opened a real giggle fest here, keep em coming Jeff. T

[radstockjeff]

Prince Charles arrived to open a Summer Fete in Tregudillock wearing a fox fur hat.

The show organiser could not help asking why, on such a hot day.

"When I was having breakfast this morning Mater asked me where I was going today"

"I said to Tregudillock"

"She said 'Wear the fox hat' then"

[Tresagreen]

A man finds a penguin in the street, unsure of what to do with it, he asks a policeman. " why not take it to the zoo " the policeman says. The following week, he sees the same man still with the penguin. " I thought I told you to take it to the zoo" says the policeman. "I did" says the man " and he loved it , so I'm taking him to the cinema today" .

[radstockjeff]

The Mayoress was visiting an old folk's home. As she went round she saw an old lady sitting alone, and said to her,brightly, "Good morning".

The old lady looked a bit puzzled, so the Mayoress said "Do you know who I am?"

The old lady gave her a sympathetic look and said,

"No dear, but if you ask the Matron, she'll tell you".

[radstockjeff]

Seventy year old Mrs Jones went to the doctor for her annual check-up.

He told her she needed more activity and recommended sex three time a week.

She said to the doctor "Please tell my husband".

The doctor went out into the waithing room and told Mr Jones that his wife needed to have sex three times a week.

Her eighty year old husband repied "Which days?"

"How about Monday , Wednesday and Friday?"

Mr Jones replied "I can bring her in on Monday and Wednesday, but on Friday she'll have to catch the bus!"

[Tresagreen]

Thanks for keeping us smiling. T

[radstockjeff]

A church's bell ringer passed away. The Church posted a job opening in the local paper's Classified Ads and a man with no arms came in to apply for the job.
The clergy weren't sure he could do the job, but he convinced them to let him try.
They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran towards the bell and hit it with his head, producing a beautiful sound. They gave him the job.
The next day he went to ring the bell,tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the footway below.
Two priests were walking past. One asked "Do you know this guy" The other replied "No, but his face rings a bell".
The next day the dead man's twin brother, also with no arms, for the vacant bell ringer's job.
The clergy led him up to the bell tower, where he ran at the bell, tripped and fell to the footway below.
The same two priests walked up.
The first one asked "Do you know him?" The second replied...........

"No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother"

[Tresagreen]

Cheers Jeff, two for the price of one

[EWW]

And as Leslie Phillips said "DING DONG"

[radstockjeff]

One evening in October, When I was one third sober,
An' taking home a load with manly pride,
My poor feet began to stutter, so I lay down in the gutter,
An' a pig came up and lay down by my side.

Then we sang "It's all fair weather, when good fellows get together",
Till a lady passing by was heard to say,
"You can tell a man who boozes, by the company he chooses"

And the pig got up and slowly walked away.

[radstockjeff]

Seventy year old John went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.

The Doctor said

"John, everything looks great physically.How are you doing mentally annd spiritually? Are you at peace with yourself and do you have a good relationship with God?"

John replied

"God and I are close. He knows I have poor eyesight and has arranged when I have to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom the light goes on and when I'm finished the light goes off."

"Wow!" said the doctor, "that's incredible"

A little later in the day the doctor called John's wife.

"Sarah" he said "John is doing fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I am amazed by his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up in the night and the light goes on in the bathroom automatically and when he's finished it goes off automatically?"

Sarah exclaimed

"Oh my goodness, he's pi**ing in the fridge again!"

[Tresagreen]

[radstockjeff]

Two old codgers were sat reminiscing about their nocturnal problems.

Bill said "You know, I have to get up two or three times during the night"

Fred replied " At 75 I sleep like a log. I never have to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I go in the morning. Every morning just like clockwork, at 7am, I pee;

Unfortunately I don't wake up till 8."

[radstockjeff]

A few hi-iq puns

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before

Time flies like an arrow -- fruit flies like a banana

A lot of money is tainted -- taint yours and taint mine

A midget fortune teller who escapes from a prison is a small medium at large

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion

In Democracy your vote counts - in Feudalism your count votes