JOKES

[radstockjeff]

Extracts from letters of complaint to the local council...............

"This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2........."

"I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen................."

"50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy..........."

"The bedroom is damp; we have two children and would like a third so could you please send a man round to do something about it?..........."

[Tresagreen]

Little boy blue, come blow up your horn, the sheeps in the meadow, the cows in the corn. Where is the boy who looks after the sheep.... Behind the haystack with little Bo Peep. ...... Mary Mary quite contrary, how does your garden grow? With silver bells and cockle shells ....and hash plants all in a row....... Little jack Horner sat in a corner eating his Christmas pie, he put in his thumb and pulled out a plum..... and squirted the juice in his eye. Daft I know, but we all need a giggle right now.

[radstockjeff]

Some one liners:

I met this chap at the Olympics. I said to him "Excuse me but are you a pole vaulter?" He replied "No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"

I rang the bell of this small bed and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at the window and said "What do you want?" " I replied "I want to stay here"
"Well, stay there then" she said , and closed the window.

My parents were wonderful, always there with a ready compromise. My sister wanted a cat for a pet and I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

We've got stained glass windows in our house. It's those damned pigeons.

If something's neither here nor there....then where the hell is it?

[Tresagreen]

Thanks Jeff, needed a good laugh

[Tresagreen]

As Frankie Howerd used to say ' ooooh errrrr missus' !

[radstockjeff]

Pupil: Can I have a cigarette?

Teacher: Good heaqvens,no, certainly not! Do you want to get me into trouble?

Pupil: Well, alright then, Miss. But I'd rather have a cigarette.

[Tresagreen]

nice to see you back on form Jeff.

[radstockjeff]

Thanks; here's another.

The Vicar asked the class how many boys and girls would like to go to Heaven.

Only one little girl kept her hand down.

When the Vicar asked her why, she replied

"Me mum said I had to go straight home"

[Tresagreen]

bit of a long one this. Man goes into a bar, the barman says' would you like a drink sir?' " thankyou" says the man " I'll have a pint" . He finishes the pint and the barman says " would you like another sir" ? " yes, Thankyou I'll have another pint" the barman serves him and says " that will be £6.50 please" " what" says the man, " £6.50,why? " " two pints at £3.25, that's £6.50" says the barman. " I'm not paying" says the man, " I didn't order the drinks, you asked me if I would like them" "pay up" says the barman, but the man still refused. " right" says the BM "get out and don't ever come back " The man leaves, but half an hour later he is back. " I thought I told you not to come back here" says the BM. " what are you on about" says the man, " I have never been here before" " yes you have" says the BM" you were here half an hour ago and wouldn't pay " " Not me " says the man, " I just got off the train from London" "well " says the BM " you must have a double" " oh thanks " says the man " I'll have a whiskey" !!!!!

[radstockjeff]

Like it!
Reminds me of Colonel Chinstrap in ITMA (that dates me!) "I don't mind if I do, make mine a double!"

[Tresagreen]

Can I do you now sir? I was only 3 when ITMA finished, but the parents used to talk about it. I do remember Jack Train, don't know what programme he was on in later years, but he was a favourite of mine. Did you know a DVD was released in 2016..?

[radstockjeff]

Was he not on Twenty Questions on the old steam radio?

[Tresagreen]

that's the one Jeff, brilliant programme. He died in 1966.

[radstockjeff]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement home were sitting on a park bench under a large sycamore tree when one turned to the other and said,

"John,I'm eighty three years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

John replied "I feel like a new born baby"

"Really? Like a new born baby?"

"Yep - no hair, no teeth and I think I've just wet my pants!"

[radstockjeff]

A little old lady in the nursing home holds up her clenched fist and announces;

"Anyone who can guess what I have in my closed hand can have sex with me tonight"

An elderly gentleman calls out "An elephant"

"Close enough" she replies