JOKES

[Tresagreen]

Some of you may have heard these before, but for those who haven't......... Two slugs are crawling down the road, chatting to each other and minding their own business. Suddenly two snails appear in front of them blocking the road. "Bloody caravanners " shout the slugs....... A gardener was forking over the soil on his allotment, when the handle of the fork broke. So he went to the hardware shop and asked "do you sell fork handles?" The shopkeeper looked at him very angrily. "Why are you looking at me like that" said the gardener, " I only asked if you sell fork handles".The shopkeeper then put four candles on the counter and said " Well we normally only sell these in packs of six" ........ An old Norfolk boy walks into a pub and asks the barman to line up 10 glasses and fill them with beer. As the barman pours them, the old boy starts gulping them down, one by one. " Hey old fella, what's your hurry" says the barman. The old boy takes a breather from his pint and says" if you had what I have, you'd do the same thing" "And what do you have" asks the barman...... "about 50p " says the old boy........... Stay safe everybody.

[EWW]

[Tresagreen]

One more.... A dim-witted farmer decides to get into the Information Age, so he buys a bargain second hand PC from a dodgy dealer. He then finds that the Microsoft operating system is completely out of date, so he goes into a double glazing shop and asks for some help . " I'm sorry, but we only sell glass" says the assistant. "But your advert says you sell replacement Windows" says the man!!!!!!!

[radstockjeff]

Thanks Tresa, we needed something to cheer us up a bit.

[EWW]

[Tresagreen]

My next door neighbour is an 86 year old Irish lady, she thought we might enjoy these. .... Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy, I fancy the day off, so I'm going to pretend I've gone mad. He then climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts, I'm a light bulb, I'm a light bulb. The foreman shouts up, Paddy you've gone mad, go home. As Paddy leaves the site, Murphy starts packing his kit to leave as well. Where do you think you are going asks the foreman. Well I can't work in the dark can I , says Murphy........When Billy saw Paddy with one of his shoelaces undone, he said, watch out Paddy, your shoelace is undone. I know says Paddy, it's these bloody instructions. Billy says, what instructions Paddy? Paddy replies, underneath the shoe it says Taiwan......... A man stops Billy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork. Billy says are you on foot or in a car. The man says in the car. Billy says, that's the quickest way....... The barman says to Paddy, your glass is empty, fancy another? Looking puzzled, Paddy says why would I need another empty ********* glass?..... That's all folks

[radstockjeff]

Where was he?

[Tresagreen]

we can always rely on you for a laugh Jeff, thankyou.

[radstockjeff]

Always willing to oblige Teri.
This one is NOT BOGOF

[radstockjeff]

Moses came down from Mount Horeb, holding the commandments he had been given by God.
He gathered the children of Israel around him.

"Right", he began "first the good news. I've managed to get them down to ten"

The people clapped

"Now the bad news. Adultery is still in!"

[Tresagreen]

The golf ball and the sand wedge.,.... A woman takes her lover home, during the day when her husband is at work.Her 9year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also arrives home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realising her son is already in there. The boy says "dark in here", the man says "yes it is". Boy " I have a golf ball" Man "that's nice". Boy "want to buy it?" Man"no thanks". Boy " my dad is outside" . Man "ok how much?" Boy "$250" ..... A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy "dark in here" . Man "yes it is". Boy " I have a sand wedge" . The lover, remembering the previous time, asks the boy "how much?" Boy "$750". Man"sold". .... A few days later, the father says to the boy "grab your golf ball and sand wedge, we'll go outside and have some short game practice". The boy says " I can't dad, I sold them both". Father " what! how much did you sell them for?" Boy "$1000". Father " that's terrible, to overcharge your friends like that, it's more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess"... They go to the church and the father makes the boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door . Boy" Dark in here" Priest " don't start that **** with me again!!!"

[EWW]

[Tresagreen]

Husband (watching cricket on TV) Joel Garner has just come back to bowl with a new ball. Wife ( knitting) Wonderful what doctors can do these days !

[radstockjeff]

Driver. What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?
Officer. Keep it and when you have four of them we will give you a bicycle.

[radstockjeff]

Two old dears were sitting on a park bench outside the Town Hall. in which a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over and said;

"Life is so dull. We never have any fun any more. If you gave me a fiver, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that Flower Show"!.

"You're on!" said her friend, holding up a crisp new fiver.

As fast as she could, the first old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, stark naked, streaked through the front door of the Flower Show.

Waitng outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud and raucous applause.

The naked lady burst out through the door, surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend

"I won First Prize as Best Dried Arrangement!"