JOKES

[Tresagreen]

[radstockjeff]

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court" said the desk sergeant.

"No,No,No" insisted the man " I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I've been trying to do that for years!"

[radstockjeff]

Here is the weather forecast.

It's late fall,and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless to be on the safe side he told his tribe that indeed the winter was going to be cold and that members of the village should collect firewood and be prepared.

But, being a practical leader,after several days he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth,called the National Weather Service and asked "Is the coming winter going to be quite cold?"

"It looks as though the weather will be quite cold" the weather forecaster told him.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Weather centre again, asking the same question and with the same response went back to his people and told them to collect as much firewood as they possibly could.

Two weeks later "Are you absolutely sure about the weather being very cold?"

"It's looking more and more likely that its going to be one of the coldest winters ever"

"How can you be so sure?" asked the Chief

The weather man replied

"Well all the Indians around here are collecting a sh*tload of firewood"

[radstockjeff]

Patient: "I am absolutely terrified of the dentist. I would rather have a baby than a filling."

Dentist: " Well make up your mind, because I'll have to adjust the chair."

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Boy: "Dad there's a man at the front door with a bald head!"

Dad: "Tell him I've already got one"

[radstockjeff]

If all the people who went to sleep during a church service were laid end to end................they'd all be much more comfortable!

[radstockjeff]

Church Notice

THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN
ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR

This door is kept locked because of the draught.

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"In the Handicrafts Exhibition at the Community Centre, the contribution of the Misses Smith was "Smocking and Rugs" and not "Smoking and Drugs" as stated in last week's report."

Notice in local paper.

[Tresagreen]

Cheers Jeff, as a crafter myself, I really like the one about the handicrafts. Will be passing this on to the ladies at my craft club next week T

[radstockjeff]

Good advice?

The principal thing to remember when preparing a fork buffet is to select only food which can be eaten comfortably on a plate with a fork.
In the winter, hot bouillon or clear soup is always popular and can well be included.

from a Sunday paper.
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Notice outside dance hall

SATURDAY NIGHT DANCE
VERY EXCLUSIVE
(Everybody welcome)

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[radstockjeff]

First woman: I never made love to my husband before we got married. How about you?
Second woman I don't know. What's his name?
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Misquote:
O what a tangled web we weave
When first we practise to conceive.

[EWW]

The jokes on me with this one. I do a bit of magnet fishing and have two others similer to this, both a bit smaller.
This one is a xmas prezzie from one of my daughters. She wanted to see how good it was and I duly obliged by
attaching it to the underside of the frying pan (non stick) I have tried sliding it off which is the usual way
to get them off,not this one. I have even put a breaker bar through the ring to try and prise it off, no luck. If
I do not get it off there will be no bubble and sqeak this week at all. Ant suggestions will be greatfully received

[Tresagreen]

Son says try slipping a small carving knife under the edge( if that's possible) and then use a small pinch bar to lever it off. Failing that, I think you owe the daughter a new frying pan

[radstockjeff]

We had mother-in -law for lunch on Christmas Day. I prefer turkey myself , but times are hard!

[radstockjeff]

Irish Govt Pipe Spec

[radstockjeff]

"I was only here for four minutes!"


Wagga Wagga NSW

(Shades of Bill Kerr)

[radstockjeff]

My neighbour Mr Jones died suddenly on Sunday morning.

I went across to see Mrs Jones in the afternoon

"I'm sorry to hear about Bert, what happened?"

"Well" she said "He went down the garden to cut me a cabbage for Sunday lunch, and he just dropped down dead!"

"I'm very sorry to hear that" I said "Whatever did you do?"

"Well" she said "I had to open a tin of peas instead"